The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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