Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
