I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
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Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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