My hand turned me down
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
