It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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