Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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