Tell her she can't have a vagina
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
