I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
