Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
