Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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