I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
