Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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