I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
