And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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