Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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