just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
