he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
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He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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