Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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