I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
