I can text with my tongue
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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