My first STD was from a foam party
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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