your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
