apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
