Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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