She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
