my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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