She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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