Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
