so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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