I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
