I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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