I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
