Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
