I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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