I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
