he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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