Betty ford says i'm here all night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
