I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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