Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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