meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
