the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
false alarm. still invincible.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
