I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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