Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
