Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
