Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
