A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
