It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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