We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
