My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
