dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
