So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
