I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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