hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
